Ask the Doctor - Answers to your Parenting Questions

Veronica,
My advice would be to start with one step at a time. Bedtimes are a great place to begin because they include real rewards for your kids -- time you spend with each of them. That means kids will be more accepting as you introduce the new routine. You can explain to them that you want to make sure you get "quality time" with each of them every night.

How? Decide what time you want each child in bed and count backwards, thinking about what each of them will be doing at each point in time. Because they're different ages, they will be doing different things, but your family as a whole can still have a routine. Then print your new schedule out and post a copy on the bathroom door near their bedrooms, and another copy on the refrigerator, at least until you get used to it.

The routine below is set up to give your ten year old ten hours of sleep if he gets up at 7am, which is what pediatricians say he needs. It only gives your 3 year old 11 hours, because I'm assuming she still naps.  But both kids should wake up by themselves. If you have to wake them in the morning, it means they aren't getting enough sleep.  So in that case, move all of these times a half an hour earlier.  

I am also presuming that your ten year old has already completed his homework prior to dinner. Why?  Because it's a good habit for kids to get into.  That means they do it while you're making dinner and are available for any consultations they need, and to supervise that they're actually doing it. If your child has not finished homework, you will need to work it into the schedule, hopefully with another adult available to him while you bathe the baby.

Obviously, every family will modify this for their own needs, but your schedule might look something like this:

6:15pm- Dinner with whole family

7pm- Bath and teeth brushing for 3 year old
The ten year old could help one parent clean up the kitchen while the other parent gives the little one her bath. This could be made "special time" by using it to ask him about his day, and really listen to him talk. Alternately, the ten year old could have a routine of packing his backpack for the next day, choosing his clothes, and then playing quietly.

7:30pm- Bedtime stories and snuggle time with 3 year old
10 year old has bath and brushes teeth.

8pm- 3 year old's lights out.
10 year old has an hour to read in bed
If he hasn't had "special time" with at least one parent, it's important to spend 15 minutes lying on his bed with him before lights out, or after lights out (because sometimes kids talk more then), chatting and listening.

9pm- 10 year old goes to sleep.

The great things about a bedtime routine like this:

1. You get special time to connect with each child alone, that your kids can count on. This remains important as kids get older, because it gives the ten year old an opportunity to raise difficult issues and feel heard.

2. Each child gets the security of a safe, predictable, routine at bedtime, which studies have shown is associated with better sleep for everyone in the family, as well as happier, more secure, kids.

3. As your kids get older, they learn to bathe themselves and brush their own teeth, because you have helped them develop the habit.

4. Packing a backpack and setting out clothes makes kids more competent and independent by teaching them to think about the next day. This is invaluable, not just because it makes mornings calmer. It also allows them to suddenly remember things they have forgotten -- that tomorrow they need a change of clothes because the class is painting a mural, or that they forgot about a homework assignment. (Of course, if they remember these things at bedtime frequently, it's a sign that your after-school routine needs some attention!)

5. Having a routine with times attached keeps you from being the bad-guy bedtime cop. It's just the schedule.

6. Having a set bedtime as a youngster helps your kids, once they become teens, to think in terms of how much sleep they need to take good care of their bodies. They are more likely to stay well-rested.

7. Bedtime routines that center around baths and reading calm kids and allow them to fall asleep faster so they don't toss and turn. (Many kids say they aren't tired when they are actually overly wound-up.) A bedtime routine that allows a child to stay up longer because he is reading creates the habit of reading. If a computer is nearby, most kids won't read. But computers and TV suppress melatonin, the sleep hormone, so kids should definitely not use them in the hour before bed. Reading relaxes kids, allows melatonin to flood their bodies (make sure their lights are not too bright), and is the best way to raise kids' IQs and school grades.

Give your new routine a couple of months, and then you can tackle mornings so everyone gets out the door peacefully. You'll be amazed at how much more smoothly everything runs.
Dr. Laura

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