Parenting Blog

“If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.” --
Dr. Haim Ginott

Kids have antenna.  Whenever you lower your voice to speak to someone else, their ears perk up.  And if they hear their name, their attention is riveted.

Kids know we say things to them for effect, whether positive or negative.  Their defenses go up and they may not trust our intentions.  Are they being manipulated?

But when they hear us saying nice things about them to someone else, there's no filter.  They assume it's true.  And they live up (or down) to what they hear.

Any specific traits you want to encourage?  Say nice things about how your child is developing those traits, not to him but within his hearing.  Recognize any progress at all in the right direction.

"He's so determined when he works on a project. He takes a break and then keeps coming back to it."
"She's getting to be so good with her little brother.  You should have seen how patient she was when...."
"You won't believe what a great reader he's becoming. He spends more and more time reading these days."
"She's a whiz with numbers."
"He's growing up and becoming so responsible. He barely needs to be reminded to..."
"She's so helpful and considerate.  Why just today, she...."

Enjoy the results!

"What kids do need is unconditional support, love with no strings attached. That’s not just different from praise – it’s the opposite of praise. "Good job!" is conditional. It means we’re offering attention and acknowledgment and approval for jumping through our hoops, for doing things that please us." -- Alfie Kohn

If you've heard praise isn't good for kids, you may be wondering how else you can give your kid positive feedback.  After all, you know you need at least 7 positive interactions for every negative interaction to maintain a good relationship. While hugs and smiles go a long way, you're in constant verbal interaction with your child, and your most common word is probably "Good!"  Besides, there are things you'd like him to learn about how to be in the world.  How else can you guide him?

The short answer is that our children need to be seen and loved, no matter what.  The evaluation inherent is praise is what's problematic. 

But that doesn't mean you can't find positive ways to interact with your child, hopefully many of them, all day long.  And it doesn't mean you can't help him notice the effect of his choices. Here are some examples.

Instead of:
"Good sharing!"
Try:
"Wow! Look how happy you made your brother."

(Why? We all want to guide our child, and that does involve value judgments on our part.  But instead of just explaining things as good and bad, take the time to help your child see his power in the world.  Why does it matter what he does? Rather than telling him that he's good when he acts in accordance with a value that's important to you, point out the result.  That way he can decide whether to repeat the behavior to get that result -- rather than just to get your praise.)

Instead of:
"Yes, that's a good painting!"
Try:
"I saw you working hard on that painting. Can you tell me about it?"

(Why?  You're not expecting her to be Van Gogh at four.  What you want is for her to enjoy the exploration, the process -- not the product.)

Instead of:
"I'm so proud of you!"
Try:
"You must be so proud of yourself!"

(Why? Because if he's to take pride in his accomplishments, he needs to be the judge and the source of the pride. You don't want his self-esteem dependent on other people's feedback, even yours.)

Instead of:
"Good job!"
Try:
"You did it!" or "Wow! Look at you up there!"

(He needs to know you noticed that he did it, and maybe that you're impressed, if you are. You're mirroring his feelings, not telling him what to feel.  Leave the evaluation of whether it's "good" to him.)

Does that mean you can't influence your child by telling her that you like what she's doing?  Not at all.  It's fine to express your own feelings. The danger is when our child gets the message that she's only good enough if she does things our way.

Instead of:
"Big girls help Mommy."
Try:
"I like it when you help me. Thank you."

(Why? You're teaching your child how to have a relationship with another person.  She needs to know -- without guilt trips -- that what she does has an effect on the other person, so she can choose her actions. It isn't about evaluating her as a human being.)

Remember that non-specific praise backfires. 

Instead of:
"You're such an angel today."
Try:
"I'm having such a good time being with you today.  I love it when we have so much fun together."

(Why? Your child knows she isn't a little angel, she's a fallible human being -- and if you forget that, she'll need to show you by acting out in the worst way she can think of. Just too much pressure!)

There is one kind of general positive feedback that works, because it's feedback about you:

Instead of:
"You're a good boy."
Try:
"I am so glad I get to be your mom. I love you, no matter what!"

"Dr. Laura -- I came across your website a month ago and have been trying to follow the advice in your emails.  I am amazed at the difference in my son in just this short time.  Mostly, I try to just stop when I get upset and see things from his point of view. Thank you for helping us stay on track!" -- Madeline

Consider a plant which seems droopy.  Do you yell at it to “Straighten up and grow right!”? Or do you figure out what it needs: more water, more sun, a bigger pot? Kids, like the rest of us, are just trying to get their needs met, and all of their behavior arises from those needs.  Their strategies often aren't what we'd like.  (Hitting their little brother because they worry you love him more tends to backfire.) But we have to address the deeper needs to change the behavior.  The only way we can do that is to see things from their perspective.

Want to try an experiment?  It takes three weeks to create a new habit.  If you start today, and keep trying every day (you don't have to do it perfectly!) your parenting will be different in three weeks. And I guarantee you will see a change in your child.  Here's how:

1. Say what you see.  Verbally acknowledge your child's existence, activities, preferences, without judgment.  "I notice you're using a lot of blue in your painting today....You really love that breakfast cereal....You like to have a warning before we go somewhere....I notice you're starting to put your face in the water a little bit...You've been working on building that tower for a long time."  Kids need to be "seen" and acknowledged, just for being themselves, and it goes a long way toward meeting their core need to stay connected to us.

2. Make sure you connect warmly, physically with each child, every day, for some snuggle time. This is indispensable.  If your kid is "too old" to snuggle, give him a foot rub or back rub.

3. If you're setting a limit, offer empathy: "I see how mad you are.  It's ok to be mad, everyone gets mad sometimes.  But toys are not for throwing. If you want to throw, you can take a ball outside."

4. Whenever you start to get upset, STOP.  Take a deep breath.  Remind yourself that there's no emergency. Sure, you could have a little tantrum and yell and scream.  You're perfectly justified.  But consider that plant. Will yelling at it help?  With your child, it sabotages all your attempts to build a good relationship. You don't have to respond right now, except if safety is at stake.  Wait until you calm down. No matter how old your child is, your message will be more effective when you're calm.

5. Consider things from your child’s perspective.  Why is he doing this?  What need might be operating? (More down time?  More connection with you?  More of a sense of independence and mastery? More "structure" from you to help him learn to handle something himself?)  Meeting that need is the only way to change the behavior.  If a hurt has been done, your child can think of something nice to do for whoever he hurt to repair the relationship, but resist the urge to punish. Punishment of any kind will create more bad behavior of some kind.

6. Focus on the positive. Kids respond to our energy, so be passionate with your YES! to everything you want to see more of from her.  Every time you appreciate your child, every time you love something about her, you’re giving her the clear message:  More of this, please. She will grow accordingly.

May your next 21 days be filled with miracles, large and small.

"Instead of focusing on how much you can accomplish, focus on how much you can absolutely love what you’re doing. Be there completely. While doing this, you’ll find that you naturally enjoy those seemingly tedious tasks much more (like washing the dishes). It’s amazing how much non-resistance and presence changes everything.” -- Zen Habits

Most of us find it tedious to change yet another diaper, make yet another snack, be patient one more time. Sometimes it feels like parenting traps us in a cycle of wearying repetitive tasks.

But there’s a secret to transforming tedium into joy: Being fully present.

If we’re only half there, it often feels tedious to meet our child’s needs.  If we’re thinking about that phone call we need to make, checking our email, worrying about whether our child is on the right track, or cataloging our partner’s failures, then the care-taking tasks of parenting will always feel tedious. 

What’s more, our kids will always be demanding more, more, more – because what they’re experiencing is that we aren’t all there.

But being with kids is only boring when we resist it.  When we bring ourselves into each present moment of experience with our children, we find it brimming with life. The creative possibilities are endless.  It's our resistance that's the burden, not our kids.

How?

1. Show up.  Turn off the TV, radio, computer and cell phone. Let the house phone pick up. The world will wait.

2. Find a way to make it fun.  Whether it's broccoli or bath time, it doesn't have to be boring. There is nothing we do with kids that can't be made into a game. Play is what brings us alive.

3. Connect.  Forget about structured activity; just snuggle and chat and play "baby games." When we really connect with our kids, we're filling their cups -- and it energizes us, as well.

4. Get everyone into the act. Tired of doing all the work?  Make the chore into a game in which everyone has a part.  It may not get done faster, but it will certainly be more fun. Everyone in the house feeling sluggish? Put on music and sing and dance while you work. Or take a break for a quick game of "Steal each others' socks."

5. Not feeling energized?  Fill your own cup first. Tell the kids you need ten minutes and then you're all theirs. Find something you can do for ten minutes that will energize you, whether it's lingering over a cup of tea or calling a friend.

In three weeks, you won't remember whether you got that laundry folded or had scrambled eggs for dinner.  But you will certainly reap the benefits of a family that loves hanging out together.

"If all you did was just look for things to appreciate you would live a joyous, spectacular life."
- Jerry & Esther Hicks

You could probably find negative things to say to your child all day long.  All of them "deserved" and none of them effective in helping your child want to behave.  "Get out of bed right now...Aren't you ready yet?....You'd lose your head if it wasn't on your shoulders....How many times have I told you?....Stop that right now...You're wearing me out....Pick up that jacket...Don't start with me....Leave your sister alone...Are you listening to me?...What part of No don't you understand?"

Or you could remember that what we pay attention to is what flourishes.  Catch her doing things right all day long -- including all those things that it's about time she did right! -- and all progress in the right direction, even if it isn't perfect.  Acknowledge them using very specific descriptions:

“I love how cheerful you are in the morning. It makes me happy to wake up... I noticed how nice you were to your sister last night...I love it when you brush your teeth without being reminded....Thanks for picking up your things with only one reminder!... I really appreciate you controlling your temper so we could talk, that shows real maturity....I love that you have so much energy!....I noticed you worked so hard on that... I know that's disappointing, but soon you'll get it every time...Don't worry, Honey, nobody bats 1000....Wow, your schoolwork is really improving.....I loved watching you pass the ball, you’re such a good team player...I notice you came right home and started your homework so responsibly!...I love our conversations in the car.... I admire how you apologized to your friend...You're such a great hugger and snuggler....One of the many things I love about you is how you always give the dog lots of attention."

Every time you appreciate your child, every time you love something about her, you are giving her the clear message:  More of this, please. She will grow accordingly.