Parenting Blog

"Dr. Markham -- When I stop and take a breath, I am amazed at the amount of negative thoughts in my head—typically criticizing my ability as a mom, or a wife, or an employee, or a daughter or a friend. It’s so hard to feel like I’m doing anything well at all.  How do we get out of the negative thought patterns?" -- Amy

“The single biggest enemy of your happiness is your neurological fear network. We think of fear as just a thought, but it’s not. The fabric of fear has been woven into our brains, creating a neurological entity that has lasted as long as mankind. The fear system is insidious and full of deceit.  When we are tormented by the many faces of fear — perfectionism, obsession, insecurity, shyness, guilt — we often try to make sense of our pain by assuming that something is wrong with our lives.” -- Dan Baker, Ph.D.

Many wise teachers, from the Buddha to Byron Katie, would say that Amy's put her finger on the source of all suffering:  the way our minds create stressful thoughts.

That's because our thoughts, which interpret our experience, are the source of all of our emotions.  Anytime we feel any emotion, it arises from some thought we have. 

And anytime we take any action, it arises from an emotion or thought that motivates us.

We all feel at times like we aren't good enough.  Sometimes it's because we're in an impossible situation where there simply isn't enough of us to go around given the 24 hours in a day.  But mostly -- even when our situation is objectively impossible -- we just don't feel good enough inside.  If we did feel like we were more than good enough, we would make peace with our situation -- or change it.

So why do we get stuck in negative situations where we can't possibly feel good?  Why do we create negative situations?  Why do we see a situation as negative when another person might smile and shrug? 

Because our negative thoughts disable us.  Our minds are mercilessly cruel, even -- especially -- to ourselves. We torment ourselves with our imperfections, real or imagined. We disable ourselves.

How can we escape these negative thought patterns?  Tomorrow's daily inspiration email will be a "Blueprint to Disarm Your Inner Critic."  For today, begin with Step One:

Notice your thoughts. Stop. Take a breath.  Notice all that chatter in your mind.  Is any of it negative? Don't let it get you down.  Becoming aware of these thoughts is the first step toward changing them.  Once we notice, we stop automatically believing and acting on these thoughts.  We have a choice.  For today, just take as many opportunities as you can to stop, breathe, and notice your the chatter in your mind.

“My feeling is it is almost always best to err on the side of mercy and love. There are many parenting ‘mistakes’ that can be ameliorated by lots and lots of love, and the feelings of security it can bring. I also believe that I sometimes need some mercy and love myself.” -- BarelyKnitTogether

Humans have somewhere between 10,000 and 70,000 thoughts per day. The majority of these thoughts are “negative.” Our minds, doing their job of trying to protect us, constantly compare, judge, find fault, and warn.

The information they give us is often valuable.  The nitpicking isn’t.  All those negative thoughts are what create your anxiety, upset moods and mommy or daddy tantrums. In fact, our minds’ negativity is downright destructive.

It’s our job as grownups to keep our inner critics from running our lives.  We can start by noticing all those subtle inner critic attacks.

Today, just notice every time your inner critic comments. Are you criticizing yourself?  Your kids?  Your partner?  Life?

Does that really help anybody change? (Hint: When we feel attacked, we defend.  Our natural desire to cooperate vanishes.)

Does your inner critic help you feel more relaxed, empowered, loving?

Does your inner critic help your kids feel more loved, secure, open, eager to please?

Why not kiss your inner critic goodbye?

Why not offer your family – and yourself -- some mercy and love?

You might make miracles.

"Appreciation and self-love are the most important tools that you could ever nurture. Appreciation of others, and the appreciation of yourself, is the closest vibrational match to your Source Energy of anything that we've ever witnessed anywhere in the universe." -- Abraham-Hicks

What do you do well as a parent?  Make a list. In writing, if you can.  But at least in your mind, right now.  Keep going until you have at least ten things.  Better yet, 20. 

Now give yourself credit for that list. I know, you're not perfect. Join the club.  But just for this minute, give yourself total appreciation for all the things you do right as a parent.  All those things no one else ever even notices. Savor that feeling. 

Now, for the rest of the day, every time you see yourself acting toward your child in a way that makes you feel good about yourself, give yourself an internal hug or a high five.

The times you don't feel so good about?  Let them go and move on to better interactions.

I guarantee you'll feel better and better throughout the day.  And so will your kids.

"In our busy lives, it is often the simple gesture that is overlooked, the simple need that is never satisfied. Consider: We figure out a way to chauffeur the kids to nine lessons a week, to organize the vacation trip to Disney World, to throw a birthday party for a dozen five year olds. So why does a quiet story told by candlelight seem impossible to manage? In truth, the story -- told from the heart and shared in flickering darkness -- is more nourishing for our child's soul, and for our own as well...."-- Katrina Kenison

All of us have needs that are never satisfied, as do our children.  Some of them we can name:  An hour alone to chill out.  A bit more money to make ends meet. More help around the house.

Our deeper needs -- which feed our souls -- may be more elusive: More meaning. More aliveness. More connection.

Kids can't name their deepest needs:

• To have all of who they are be truly seen and appreciated -- even the "bad" parts.
• To know their parents adore them and love to care for them.
• More relaxed, playful, unstructured, affirming time with each parent.

They can’t name these things, but when they're hungry for them, they don't thrive. They seem unhappy, uncooperative, whiny, insatiable.  Nothing feels like enough to them. So they demand more, more, and more. More time before bedtime.  More treats than their sibling.  More material possessions.  But more of what we didn't really need to begin with can never fill our deepest desires.

Not meeting our family’s deepest needs is like starving our children – and ourselves.

Do you suspect your child has unsatisfied needs?  What could they be?  How could you attend to them?

What need do you have that is crying out for deeper fulfillment?

How could you change things in your family life to better nourish your own and your children's souls this weekend -- and every day?

“Dr. Laura -- I tried the advice you gave in your daily inspiration this morning to snuggle with my son, who is four and often seems angry since his brother was born.  At first it was great, he was giggling. Then he started to hit me. He wasn’t playing, he seemed actually really mad at me.  I didn’t know what to do, so I held his hand and said “I won’t let you hit me. I see you’re mad.”  Then he started to cry. Why did this happen when I was being so nice and trying to be close to him? What should I have done?” -- Katie

What Katie did was perfect. He helped her son feel safe enough to show her his upset feelings.  He showed her these feelings by hitting her.  She acknowledged his anger while limiting his acting on it.  That allowed him to go under the anger to the sadness that always causes anger.  It was precisely because she was "so nice and close" that this drama unfolded.  The good news is, this was good for her son, and he is feeling much happier and more cooperative today after his chance to express his sadness to his mom. Their relationship is closer.  He doesn't feel his usual anger about the baby.

Sometimes kids store up jealousy, anger, and other feelings they don't feel comfortable expressing. These feelings disconnect them from us, so they can't take in the love we're offering. They become difficult and argumentative.

When we initiate closeness with our child, it brings up their longing for closeness – and all those angry or sad feelings that are in the way! So when you snuggle, your child may begin crying or raging. That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong.  It means your child wants to accept the love you’re offering, and needs your help to let those feelings go that are in his way. So your child may have some emotional venting to do before he can connect with you. 

This is one of the great benefits of connection time with our kids.  They show us what’s happening and ask for our help to work it through.  Often this happens when we play with our kids, and the tense feelings can be released through giggling.  Sometimes your child will begin talking about her upset. If this happens, we just need to resist the urge to argue or fix the problem.  Instead, we can listen closely and empathize, so she feels understood.

But what if your child shows you feelings that are bothering him by acting sad or mad, or starting to hit you, as Katie’s son did?  He's asking for your help to face his feelings and let them go.  You might say:

"You were giggling a lot, but now you seem sad. Don't worry.  Everyone is sad sometimes.  I will stay right here and hold you while you're sad."

Or "All of a sudden you seem angry.  You're showing me that you have some mad feelings. That's ok.  Everyone gets mad sometimes. I can hold this pillow for you to hit, or you can tell me about being mad." 

Then just listen, whether your child is using words, tears, or pillow punching to express his feelings.  If he tries to hit you, hold his hands gently but firmly and say, “I won’t let you hurt you me.  Don’t worry, I will be right here and you can show me how upset you are.” He may well struggle against you, which kids seem to need to express their anger --- but hold him as gently as possible, and it’s fine to let go if he isn’t trying to hit you.  You're not trying to "contain" or "provoke" him,  You're trying to give him a safe place to express his feelings, whatever they are.  Just stay close and speak calmly. Breathe, don't take it personally, and just be there for your child.

After he has a chance to vent, you'll find he's relieved, much happier and more connected to you. And ready for that loving snuggle!