Parenting Blog

"Acknowledgment has far greater impact on a child's idea of self than praise. Praise is about what we think and what we like, acknowledgment is about the child. Acknowledgment builds confidence because it says who the child is, not just what we think." -- Sandra R. Blackard

Trish's son was drawing. "Say it, Mom!" he urged.  "You're using the blue marker..." she observed. James smiled, satisfied.

Why is it so deeply satisfying for our children when we say what we see them doing?
Our child feels:

1. Truly seen.
2. Accepted, not judged.
3. The deep connection of shared attention.
4. Our full presence in that moment, with him.
5. Valued because we're attending to what matters to him.

This is a high-powered tool that builds our child's self-esteem and helps our child WANT to behave.  It fosters emotional intelligence and a close parent-child relationship. And yet, how often do most of us use this tool?  It's a bit like having a washing machine and ignoring it while we wash clothes by hand.

How can you get in the habit of Saying What You See?  Put a stickie on your refrigerator to remind you to practice a little every day.  What can you say?

"The clay is squishing through your fingers."
"You're making the bath bubbles swirl fast."
"You are so excited!"
"You want to win this game!"
"You are so disappointed."
"This isn't what you hoped for."
"You have been working and working on this."
"You are getting frustrated."
"You want to do it yourself."
"You are climbing up all by yourself."
"You like to know what's going to happen."
"You really don't like spinach and you wish you could never see it again!"
"You are jumping and jumping!"

You just say what you see, matching your child's tone.  And watch your child blossom like a flower in your loving attention.

"I'm kind of shocked how much my son is loving the Fix game!? I don't think I've ever heard my son say, "Let's do it again!" so many times :)"

Many parents tell me they're too tired and busy to play with their kids.  Mothers, especially, often see play as an onerous task. 

But play is how nature designed humans, especially small humans, to learn, to ease the tensions of daily life, and to connect.  True, they don't NEED to play with us.  They can play with their friends, or their Dad.  But playfulness is a gift in any relationship.  And there are certain kinds of play that children may only be able to engage in with an adult they trust.

Kids use play to process emotions and master challenges. Over and over, they act out going to the doctor's office.  They trade roles, give shots to their Teddy Bear. At least in their imaginations, they get to be the powerful one.  That's an essential antidote to their daily experience of being smaller, not in charge, pushed around, dependent.  Physical play that gets little ones giggling is a sign that you've hit the jackpot. Giggling releases the same pent-up stress hormones as a good safe cry in a parent's arms. 

So you don't have to play with your kid.  But wouldn't you rather do it the fun way than the hard way?

This doesn't mean we have to play games we can't stand.  There are (to paraphrase Rumi) countless ways to kneel and kiss the ground, or to weave playful moments and episodes into our days.  It certainly doesn't mean adding one more "should" to our to do list.  But what a great opportunity to look at the message we're giving our child about the meaning of life and time and connection.

For those of you who don't know the "Fix" game":

Remind him you love him by playing the Fix game, every day. You play the bumbler as you chase him, hug, kiss, let him get away and repeat again and again: "I need my Michael fix....You can't get away...I have to hug you and cover you with kisses....oh, no, you got away...I'm coming after you....I just have to kiss you more and hug you more....You're too fast for me....But I'll never give up...I love you too much...I got you....Now I'll kiss your toes....Oh, no, you're too strong for me...But I will always want more Michael hugs...."  Both parents can even play at the same time, and "argue" about who gets him.

This game is guaranteed to transform your child's doubt about whether he's truly loved (and any child who is "misbehaving" harbors that doubt). I know, you're busy.  But what if five minutes of play could change your life?

"Dr. Laura, I love your examples with three year olds.  I wish I had known about you when my kids were that age. So what about older kids?  Who should know better by now, but maybe weren't parented so perfectly so far...?!" -- Annie

There's no such thing as a perfect parent.  We're all doing the best we can with the resources we have in that moment. These examples are offered in the hope that they'll give you an additional resource in those challenging moments.

And that's why it's so important that we nurture ourselves as well as our kids.  Then, when we need to dig deep, we have something inside to support us.

So, parenting for emotional intelligence, ages 7-11?

Your seven year old keeps interrupting you while you're working at home. He can't seem to play by himself. You start to snap at him, then realize that your reaction is a signal to take a deep breath and a second look.  You realize he's feeling disconnected and needs some refueling from you.  You tell your colleague you'll call back in an hour.  You hang up and say: "You've been trying to get my attention all afternoon....I'm closing my computer and turning off my cell phone.  You have my undivided attention for twenty minutes. We'll set a timer. What should we do?"

Your eight year old is walloping his little brothers every chance he gets. You set clear limits ("We don't hit") but instead of punishing him, you realize that he needs to feel more valued for who he is. "You seem out of sorts lately. I miss our special times together, since our family has gotten so busy with everyone's schedules. Let's have twenty minutes of special time for just you and me every single evening after the little ones are in bed."

Your nine year old is driving you crazy begging for permission to do something. You feel like snapping at her, but that's your signal to Stop, Drop (whatever you were doing) and Breathe. 

Upon reflection, you realize that you're feeling pressured because you really can't listen right now and do justice to her request. So you say so: "I really want to hear this, but right now I have to focus on this tricky driving so we don't get lost. Can you hang onto that thought for five minutes?" 

Or, you realize that your irritation is because she just keeps pushing on your limits.  You consider that maybe all this pushing comes from her need to feel more independent.  You remember that you can always find a win win solution.  But tempers are definitely flaring, and you want to calm down before you over-react.  So you defer the conversation until everyone is calmer.  You empathize, and then reschedule:

"I hear you're angry I won't let you stay up later. I want to focus on our discussion, and I can't while I'm trying to get everyone out the door to school. Can we make a date to talk about this after dinner tonight?" Then, you don't forget.  You show up and look for a win-win solution in good faith. 

Your ten year old screams "You never understand! I hate you!" Instead of taking it personally, you realize that this isn't about you, it's about her -- her tangled up feelings, difficulty controlling herself, newly raging hormones, developing frontal cortex and immature ability to understand and express her emotions. You take a deep breath, remind yourself that your child does in fact love you but can't get in touch with it at the moment, and consciously lower your voice: “Ouch!  I see how upset you are. I know you’re not usually hurtful, and we don’t treat each other that way in this house. You must be really miserable to act like this. I’m so sorry that I'm not understanding. I love you and I would do anything for you. I'm sorry you’re hurting. I’m here with a hug when you’re ready.”

Your child will be deeply grateful, even if she can't acknowledge it at the moment.  Later, you can give her a hug and tell her that hurt your feelings.  This isn't about rules, it's about damaging a relationship you both value.

Your eleven year old keeps coming out of her bedroom and telling you she can't sleep.  You're desperate to get the laundry done so you can go to bed yourself, but you realize she's telling you she needs you. You hug her and say "This often happens with kids your age.  There's a lot going on --- starting middle school, your body changing, your friendships shifting, school getting harder.  Even I must seem different -- I'm still trying to figure out how to be a good parent for a kid who's growing up so fast but is still my little girl...Can I lie down with you for a bit at bedtime every night so we can chat for awhile and stay connected?"

This email is part of our series on Parenting for Emotional Intelligence: Real Life Examples.

"Dr. Laura....We employ the strategies you suggest to try to provide an environment where our kids feel loved, secure and listened-to. But there are times when, for whatever reason, the limits we've empathically set are not adhered to. What do we do then? How do we "enforce" without crossing the line into punishment?

For example, when my 3 year old hits me or his baby sister when I'm nursing her, I might hold his hand gently and say, 'You're upset because mama's snuggling up with Maya, and you want me to play with you right now, but we don't hit. Hitting hurts. Would you like to snuggle up and read a book with me while I finish feeding Maya?' What do I do when he scowls and hits again?" -- Molly

This is a terrific question.  The short answer is, punishment is not actually an enforcement of the limits. That's our rationalization for punishing, because we're frustrated that he isn't respecting our limits. Punishment is actually retaliation, and retaliation always sabotages your relationship with your child (or anyone else.)

Here's the long answer:

When you set a limit and your child doesn't accept it, there's a reason. He's showing you as well as he can that something is so wrong inside him that he can't cooperate with you, as much as he loves you and wants to please you. (And kids who have good relationships with their parents DO want to please them.)  But right now he can't.  So he's sending you an SOS.

Responding with punishment tells him that you aren't hearing his SOS; that he's a naughty person who needs to be punished. (Unfortunately, kids believe everything we tell them about themselves, so that's a self-fulfilling prophecy.)

Instead of punishing:

1. Enforce the limit physically (not angrily.) 

2. Address the feelings under your child's behavior as much as you can in that moment, which is how you foster emotional intelligence.

3. Make ongoing changes in your child's life to address and resolve the feelings that are triggering his behavior.  This usually includes a release of his upset and strengthening his connection with you. 

Molly is doing a fantastic job of staying calm in a challenging situation, and of setting the limit with empathy.  Let's take it a step further to reinforce the limit when her son flaunts it, and to address the feelings under his behavior. 

So, when....

Your three year old hits his baby sister as you're nursing her. You're furious, but you remember that a kid who's aggressive is a kid who's frightened.  You realize he's scared you don't love him any more, and as a result he's furious at the baby. These are just feelings, and feelings pass.

You take a deep breath and say "You're upset because mama's snuggling up with Maya, and you want me to play with you right now. Hitting hurts. I won't let you hit Maya. I see how upset you are. Would you like to snuggle up and read a book with me while I finish feeding Maya? Then I can play your game with you."

Sometimes it works, especially if you empathize and try to address the need he's expressing.  Other times, he scowls and hits her again. What can you do?

You enforce your limit of no hitting and you keep everyone safe. If you can, you might hold his hand, or get between your kids, or pick up either the baby or the three year old. In this case, your options are limited because you're nursing.  So you stand up, still nursing, so he can't reach her.  That's how you enforce your limit.

Now you let him know you hear his SOS, and you give him a tool to safely show you the depth of his feelings, and also to discharge them a little. You say "I see how much you want to hit Maya.  You are feeling very bad and you want me to know. I love you very much, AND I won't let you hurt your sister. If your body needs to hit something, you can hit the chair cushion. I will watch how hard you hit so you can show me what you're feeling." 

He will usually hit the chair a few times, although because it is a new situation and you are a step removed, some kids won't feel safe enough to really let loose. You encourage him by saying what you see and completely accepting his feelings: "I see you hitting the chair cushion....You are hitting the cushion hard...You are showing me how mad you feel....You feel so mad you want to hit." (Presumably, he feels your attention on him enough that it's safe for you to sit down on the couch to finish nursing now while he hits the chair.)

When he's done, you try to reconnect with him. You say "Will you come look in my eyes? I have something to tell you."

When he comes over, you put your arm around him and look him in the eye and say "Thank you for showing me how you feel. I love you so much. I want to snuggle with you now and I want to play your game with you as soon as I can. Will you please come snuggle with me and read your book while I finish feeding the baby? Then we can play your game."

Ok, so you've enforced your limit and you've tried to address the feelings under your son's behavior.  But the real work here is the preventive changes in his life that will help him resolve his tangled up fear and rage.  That work starts as soon as you can put the baby down so you can give your son your full attention.

Some ideas:

1. Give him a chance to discharge those angry feelings for real by pushing on a cushion with you on the other side of it. (We did this yesterday when he hit the cat, remember?)

"You're very upset.  You can be as mad as you want, but people are not for hitting.....I can hold this pillow for you to push against to show me how mad you are ....You can push as hard as you want....You are pushing hard and showing me you are so mad...You are yelling at me to go away, so I will move back a little but I won't leave you alone with these scary feelings...."

Kids who lash out in anger are frightened and hurting.  They don't want to feel those vulnerable feelings, so they attack. (The best defense is a good offense.) When you give them a safe place to get their anger out, their fear and sadness often bubble right up. "You're crying now...You were very angry and now you're so sad...My arms are right here to hold you....You can cry as much as you need to....Everybody needs to cry sometimes....I'm right here, Sweetie....You can get all your sads out...."

2. Strengthen your connection by spending "special" one-on-one time focused solely on him every single day while the baby naps. Let him choose what you do.  Call this time by the most special name you can think of -- his name.

3. Remind him you love him by playing the Fix game, every day. You play the bumbler as you chase him, hug, kiss, let him get away and repeat again and again: "I need my Michael fix....You can't get away...I have to hug you and cover you with kisses....oh, no, you got away...I'm coming after you....I just have to kiss you more and hug you more....You're too fast for me....But I'll never give up...I love you too much...I got you....Now I'll kiss your toes....Oh, no, you're too strong for me...But I will always want more Michael hugs...."  Both parents can even play at the same time, and "argue" about who gets him.

4. Read a ton of books about the little sibling.  There are lots of fabulous books on the theme of an ambivalent older sibling who comes to love the new arrival. These books help older kids feel comfortable with their own tangled up feelings and reassure them they're normal.  They also point out that the older child is still adored by his parents, which is a message all older sibs need to hear repeatedly.   (If you want suggestions, here's a whole page of recommended books for big sibs.)

This post is part of our series on Parenting for Emotional Intelligence: Real Life Examples. Let's dig deep on this one because it's a great example of where punishment gets in the way of raising a responsible, emotionally intelligent child.

"What do I do when my three year old throws his truck at the cat? If I take the thrown object away and say, "The truck has to be put away now, because we can't let the kitty get hurt," my son seems to still view this as a punishment -- Mom is taking his favorite toy away and putting it somewhere high up where he can't reach it because he's little. Not to mention the frustrated/patronized look he gets on his face as soon as he sees my "I'm about to empathize with your deeper feelings instead of addressing whatever need you think you have at this moment" expression :)"

Your son thinks taking the truck away is a punishment because it's a consequence that's within your control. Even if you meant your action as a preventive limit, he'll perceive it as a punishment.  So while we might quibble over terminology, if your kid perceives something as a punishment, he will react to it as a punishment.

Is moving the truck out of reach a reasonable limit?  Of course. If he started throwing shoes out the window, you would move the shoes out of his reach until he calmed down.  But you wouldn't just move the shoes, you would address the reason he was throwing them.  And you wouldn't keep them out of reach for some arbitrary period of time, or that would be a punishment.  You would give him access to his shoes as soon as he was calmed down and could resist throwing them.

This is no different. In fact, since there is only one truck and it's already across the room, you might be able to avoid putting the truck out of reach altogether, by intervening immediately to address the underlying feelings. That way you aren't even perceived as giving a punishment, which will always lead to more misbehavior. Why?

• When we feel bad, we act bad.
• Kids act out when they feel disconnected and hopeless.  Instead of healing those feelings (which restores cooperation) punishment worsens them.

So if your kid feels punished, he feels worse and acts worse, regardless of what you were intending when you removed the truck.

Let's assume for the moment that the cat beats a hasty retreat when she sees your son coming and isn't actually getting hurt by the UFOs that fly by.  In that case, and if this is the first time he seems to be aiming at her, it's probably best not to make an issue of the cat. Why? Because you want to sidestep power struggles as much as possible, and redirect rather than correct. You have to help him WANT not to throw the truck. 

You say "You feel like throwing! Trucks aren't for throwing. They could hurt someone. Balls are for throwing!  Let's go outside and throw balls."  That way you reconnect with him, which encourages better behavior.  AND he gets to throw, which he obviously had an urge to do.  AND you can even start a conversation, if he's willing to have it, about whatever was upsetting him that prompted him to throw.  Notice you're definitely enforcing the limit that trucks aren't for throwing.  You're also addressing the underlying feelings. And if the only underlying feeling was an exuberant "What would it feel like to  throw this?!" then you've resolved the issue easily.

However, let's say your son makes a habit of launching missiles at the cat, or that she was happily basking in the sun until a truck landed on her.  In that case, you certainly want to prevent such occurrences in the future.  This is a terrific opportunity to teach empathy. "Ouch, poor Kitty!  That truck hurt! Look how scared she is. Trucks aren't for throwing.  Kitty is scared right now, so let's leave her alone, but later you will want to pet her to help her trust you again.  You don't want her to be scared of you."  You are not only encouraging empathy by helping him see things from the cat's perspective, you're also alerting him to the damage he's done to his relationship with the cat and suggesting how he might repair it.

Should you punish him for throwing the truck at the cat?  He did know it could hurt her, and he aimed right at her.  But that means he's obviously upset and sending you an SOS. When kids lash out like this, they're scared and upset.  If you punish him, you're missing the opportunity to help him work through those feelings, and they'll just burst out in some other misbehavior. And, as we said above, he'll feel even worse about himself, and even more disconnected from you, if you punish him.

Of course, it might be worth it if the punishment kept him from hurting the cat in the future.  Unfortunately, punishment will have the opposite effect. Any kid being punished will inevitably start muttering some version of "It's all Kitty's fault...I'll show her!"

Instead, you help him safely express the emotions that incited his violence. You connect with him by getting down on his level and making eye contact. You say "You must be pretty upset to throw your truck at the cat. I know you love her and you are usually gentle with her.  You must be very unhappy.  Are you mad?"  

What if he gives you that "patronized expression"?  That's because your empathic words aren't enough for him.  He feels an urgent physical need to express something, and your words fall short.  Instead, help him physically express his anger. 

"You're very upset.  You can be as mad as you want, but toys are not for throwing.....I can hold this pillow for you to push against to show me how mad you are ....You can push as hard as you want....You are pushing hard and showing me you are so mad...You are yelling at me to go away, so I will move back a little but I won't leave you alone with these scary feelings...."

Kids who lash out in anger are frightened and hurting.  They don't want to feel those vulnerable feelings (another reason for that patronized expression), so they attack.  The best defense is a good offense. When you give them a safe place to get their anger out, their fear and sadness often bubble right up. "You're crying now...You were very angry and now you're so sad...My arms are right here to hold you....You can cry as much as you need to....Everybody needs to cry sometimes....I'm right here, Sweetie....You can cry all your sads out...."

See why child development is intellectually fascinating?  And it's good training for lion taming, too.