Giving Choices:  Your Magic Wand.
Don’t give in, give choices!

Giving choices may be the single most useful tool parents have for managing life with young children. Entire books are written about it.

"The doctor says you have to have a shot. Do you want it in the right arm or left arm?"

"Do you want to go to bed now or in five minutes? Five minutes? Ok, but do we have an agreement that in five minutes you'll go to bed with no fuss?"

Why does this little trick work so effectively? Because it sidesteps the power struggle. The child is in charge. You aren’t making him do something, he’s choosing. No one likes to be forced to do anything. Here, because he chooses, he cooperates. 

This strategy works because you’re extending the child the respect of giving him some control, at the same time that you retain the responsibility of making the decisions you need to as his parent.  You’re creating a win-win situation where the needs of both people are considered.

And there’s another, huge benefit: every time your child makes a choice, he’s learning. About his capability, about what choices work best in the world, about his own preferences.

So how do you use this magic wand?

1. Give limited choices. Make them as palatable as possible to the child, but eliminate any options that are unacceptable to you. 

2.  For young children, an either/or choice works best. “Do you want to put on your shoes yourself or do you want me to put them on for you?”

3. As children get older, choices can get more complicated. “You can quit soccer if you want, but what sport or physical activity do you think you’d like to try? You need to choose one physical activity.“  

4. Choices can be used to gain cooperation and help kids learn to manage themselves. “As soon as your homework is done, I’ll help you carve that pumpkin. Your choice, but I know you want to start on the pumpkin as soon as we can.” He has the choice to procrastinate on his homework, but you’re helping him motivate himself to tackle it now.

5. Choices can teach children consequences. “You know your piano recital is coming up. Practicing extra will help you feel more confident, but that’s your choice.” Don’t offer choices you can’t live with, of course. If you aren’t willing to let her make a fool of herself at the recital, you may need to help her structure her practice effectively.

Please let me hear from you.  What's helpful?  What's not?  What would you like to read more about?  What solutions have worked for you that you could share with other parents?  Please post a comment in the Parents' Forum!
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Photo: Alex Motrenko