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Want to raise awesome kids? It all starts with a great relationship with you. 

Whether you're just formulating your childraising approach, wondering how to handle a specific challenge, or ready to tear your hair out, look no further for solutions that work for real parents, backed up by the latest psychological research.


*click here to Ask Dr. Laura Markham your toughest parenting questions. 

*Learn how to use empathy, limits and laughter -- your most important tools -- in the Parents Toolkit.

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     Ask Dr. Laura Markham: Rules to Develop Character?


    "Dear Dr. Laura,
    Thank you -- I find your answers very thoughtful & helpful.  We have a gentle, joyful little 20-month old who I don't think has ever had a tantrum, but is definitely beginning to develop a will of his own My question is around rules -- how many to set & how to enforce them in order to encourage a sense of responsibility in my little guy.

    I do wonder if at some point, I should be coming up with more rules & enforcing them in the name of his character or something!. For example: I remember reading once that a mom/author CHOSE to leave some fragile things on low shelves so that she gave her child the opportunity to learn that some things were off limits.

    Do you thing that stepping up on rules would engender responsibility -- should I be offering him more choices between making good vs. less good decisions and then trying to reinforce one or the other -- or if not, how do you think that responsibility/discipline get taught? Is it too early to even be thinking about this stuff?" --Althea

    Althea--  We all want to raise respectful, responsible kids. How best to do that?

    The idea of teaching babies that some things are off limits by leaving some fragile things on lower shelves is sadly misguided. There is actually research on this. What it teaches kids is to be less creative in problem solving when they get older. If we want kids to think outside the box, we can't start them off in life by slapping their hands when they reach for fragile items.

    Discipline means "to teach" and all humans learn best when they are not emotionally upset (because when we get upset we move into fight or flight, and we stop thinking.) So if you want to teach a child about values, the best way to do it is by being a good role model yourself and by discussing all the choices of everyday life. So 20 months is young to "teach values" verbally but a perfect time to start teaching values by modeling what you value. There are opportunities for this daily, such as expressing consideration for other humans: "Look, Dylan is sad. Maybe we can cheer him up. Can we share our cookies?"

    But of course the most important way your son will learn is by how he is treated. Kids learn respect by being respected. Kids learn consideration by being treated with empathy and consideration.

    Kids learn responsibility because they want to please their parents, and rise to the occasion, when they are offered age-appropriate responsibility in a non-blaming manner. For a 20-month old, that means that when he spills his milk, you say kindly "Oops, milk spilled. Let's get the paper towels. We always clean up our own messes. Here, Mommy will help." Of course, you will do most of it, but by the time he's four, he will really be cleaning up his own messes.
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  • Quote of the Day

    "Children misbehave when they feel discouraged or powerless and when you use discipline methods that overpower them or make them feel bad about themselves, you lower their self-esteem.  It doesn't make sense to punish a child who is already feeling badly about herself and heap more discouragement on top of her."
    -- Kathryn J. Kvols, Redirecting Children's Behavior

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  • So she’s off to school every morning now, like a big kid.  But instead of the exuberance you expected, you find many days – especially Monday -- starting with tears, or maybe a tummy-ache.  Don’t worry, it’s not unusual for kids to need a little extra help adjusting to the start of school.  What can you do?


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    What We're Blogging About 

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    YourParentingSolutions.com helps you:

    1. Keep your kids close amid the pressures of daily life.
    2. Create the meaningful family life you want.
    3. Nurture your children so they're happy and well-adjusted.
    4. Raise ethical kids who are considerate, self-disciplined, & hardworking.
    5. Give your kids a real childhood while preparing them for life in the 21st century.
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