Taming Toddler Tantrums

Tantrums are normal for kids this age, even legendary.  Toddlers feel so passionately about everything, and they simply don't have the capacity to control themselves yet.  That said, you'll be glad to know that some tantrums are avoidable.  Since tantrums are an expression of powerlessness, toddlers who feel some control over their lives have many fewer tantrums. And since toddlers who are tired and hungry don't have the inner resources to handle frustration, the less often your toddler feels overwhelmed and powerless, the less often he'll tantrum. Here's how to tame those toddler tantrums:

1. Sidestep power struggles.  You don't have to prove you're right. Your child is trying to assert that he is a real person, with some real power in the world.  That's totally appropriate.  Let him say no whenever you can do so without compromise to safety, health, or other peoples' rights.

2. Since most tantrums happen when kids are hungry or tired, think ahead.  Preemptive feeding and napping, firm bedtimes, enforced rests, cozy times, peaceful quiet time without media stimulation --  whatever  it takes --  prevent most tantrums, and reground kids who are getting whiny. Learn to just say no  -- to yourself!  Don't squeeze in that last errand.  Don't drag a hungry or tired kid to the store. Make do or do it tomorrow.

3. Make sure your child has a full reservoir of your love and attention.  Kids who feel needy are more likely to tantrum.  If you've been separated all day, make sure you reconnect before you try to shop for dinner.

4. Try to handle tantrums so they don’t escalate.  If your kid does launch into a tantrum despite your best preventive efforts, remember not to sever the connection.  Stay nearby, even if he won't let you touch him.  He needs to know you're there, and still love him.  Be calm and reassuring.  Don’t try to reason with him. 

Think about what you feel like when you’re swept with exhaustion, rage and hopelessness.  If you do lose it, you want someone else there holding things together, reassuring you and helping you get yourself under control.

He also needs to know that as soon as he's ready, you'll help him recollect himself.  Afterwards, make up.  Take some “cozy time” together.  

Two important points to remember after the tantrum

First, make sure that your child gets enough “cozy time” with you that he doesn’t have to tantrum to get it. 

Second, don't give in to the original demand that prompted the tantrum.  Kids need to be reminded when a tantrum is brewing that if they have a tantrum you aren't allowed to even consider their request.  Unless they are really at the end of their rope, this message usually helps them pull it together enough for you to address the situation (i.e., “I guess we can’t do a big shop today.  We’ll just get the milk and bread and go home.  And here’s a cheese stick to eat while we wait in line.”)