Empathy: Foundation of emotional health
Empathy is feeling from someone else's perspective. It's a critical component of emotional intelligence. It's essential to our ability to get along with other human beings. And your kids need to be empathic, not just to be nice people, but because it's hard to be happy as a human without it.
How do kids develop empathy? As a natural part of healthy emotional
development, as long as they're parented with empathy themselves.
That's why parenting with empathy is a double gift to your child:
In addition to giving him a valuable tool to learn to manage his
emotions, experiencing your empathy will also help him to develop
empathy for others.
Humans are creatures of passion. Emotions are constantly arising within us, influencing our moods and actions, and then passing away.
Think of the strongest emotions you’ve felt in the past month, and
then imagine how powerful your child’s emotions are, given his
inexperience and intellectual immaturity. Kids are swept with
passionate feelings many times a day. They need their parents to help
them learn to navigate this world of emotion, so that they don’t get
swamped by its intensity.
We help our children learn this skill
with our empathy. Imagine empathy as a mirror that you hold up to your
child. Your acknowledgment of what he is feeling helps him to accept
his own feelings, which is what allows them to resolve.
Most of the time, when kids (and adults) feel their emotions are understood and accepted, the feelings lose their charge and begin to dissipate. We don’t have to act on them, or even to like them, merely to acknowledge their presence.
Repressed feelings, on the other hand, don't fade away, as feelings
do that have been acknowledged. Repressed feelings are trapped and
looking for a way out. Because they are not under conscious control,
they pop out unmodulated, when a preschooler socks her sister, or a
seven year old has nightmares, or an eleven year develops a nervous tic.
Our
children learn to treat themselves with empathy by our empathizing with
them. What’s more, your empathy teaches him that his emotional life is
not dangerous, is not shameful, and in fact is universal and
manageable. He feels understood and accepted. He learns that he is not
alone to cope with the crush of his powerful emotions.
What Empathy Isn’t:
Permissiveness. You can (and should) set limits as necessary. And then acknowledge his unhappiness about those limits. Don't be defensive. It's important to your child that you be able to tolerate his disappointment and anger.
Solving the problem. The point is to let him get past his upset so that he can begin to think about solutions himself, not to solve it for him. When he expresses his feelings about something, you'll want to listen and acknowledge, rather than jumping in with solutions. That means you'll have to manage your own anxiety about the issue.
Agreeing. Accepting his feelings and reflecting them does not mean you agree with them or endorse them. You are showing him you understand, nothing more, and nothing less. And if you’ve ever felt understood, you understand just how great a gift this is.
Probing. "Tell me how you feel." is not empathy. Empathy is mirroring whatever she's showing you.
Trying to change the feeling or cheer the person up. I promise you, empathizing with the bad feeling is the fastest way to let it dissipate. Arguing her out of the bad feeling just pushes it under to resurface later. Once she has a chance to notice, accept, and maybe express the feeling, she will feel ready for "cheering up" in the sense of a change of scene and topic. And you've given her the message that ALL of her is acceptable, including her yucky feelings.
Arguing with the feeling. That just invalidates him.
What Empathy Is:
Listening from a place of spacious acceptance. Don't take it personally. Breathe. Detach.
Acknowledging and Reflecting. "You sure are angry at your brother” or “You seem worried about the field trip today."
Resonating.
Match your reaction with his mood. Being a bit downcast because his
team lost the soccer game doesn't merit a reaction from you as if
someone had died. Similarly, mechanically parroting "It can be hard when your boyfriend splits up with you" is likely to evoke hysteric rage from your teen.
Recommended Resources:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, is one of my all-time favorite parenting books, extremely helpful hands-on coaching for putting empathy into practice.
