Every parent wants the children she loves to love themselves, to be confident, happy people.  But self esteem is complicated, because how we feel about ourselves comes from a complex interplay of factors.

Step one of helping your child build healthy self esteem is a positive relationship with you, which creates a solid core of self-love, or stable internal happiness regardless of external events. 

Step two is helping him to actually accomplish things he can be proud of, whether it's learning to turn on the light switch or bringing home a terrific report card.

Many studies on children who survive adversity despite inadequate parenting have found that these kids had someone  -- a teacher, a coach, a grandmother – who gave them nurturance and encouragement from which they could springboard. The question is, how are these youngsters able to patch together the little bits of love they are resourceful enough to find into enough of a security blanket to keep growing? 

The answer, some researchers suggest, lies in their earliest relationships. Those with enough positive parenting, where they felt loved and valued, are able to use that to build on throughout life, even if their later building materials are scant.  Every child needs to know that someone is in their corner, rooting for them.  From that experience they internalize a sense of their own value and potential that cheers them on even when times are rough.  What's more, it allows them to find and use support from outside, in the form of encouraging adults who help them along their path.

1. The core of self-esteem is "Stable Internal Happiness", or a sense  that oneself and the world are both good, despite setbacks.  While some people have a natural tendency to better moods and more optimism than others, "stable internal happiness" can be fostered in any child by good parenting. 

Kids who are lucky enough to experience unconditional love and acceptance develop stable internal happiness early (maybe by ten or twelve). Setbacks from the outside world -- lost ball games, a flubbed test, even a family move that leaves friends behind -- throw them for much briefer times than other kids, and they return quickly to their normal happy state. 

But that’s only true for a handful of lucky people.  Many of us don’t reach this state until our twenties,  others work our whole lives to get there.  Your child, who is lucky enough to have a parent who thinks about these issues, probably already has a good start, regardless of his innate disposition.

2. Keep your relationship with your child supportive, no matter what, at each age.  This seems obvious, of course, but there are times when staying positive regarding your tantruming toddler, recalcitrant ten year old, or rude teenager can seem almost impossible.  I know that when my child rejects me, I’m tempted to withdraw from her emotionally.  But giving her the cold shoulder doesn’t teach her anything positive about how to build a relationship.  Worse, it undermines the supportive relationship that is her best protection throughout childhood.  Remind yourself that when kids are at their least lovable, that's when they need your love the most.

3. Self Esteem derives from real accomplishment.  Telling kids we love them is not enough to develop self-esteem. 

Of course all of us have intrinsic value as human beings, not because of what we accomplish, but merely because of who we are.  But who are we?  Who we are can only be evaluated by what we do, how we interact with our environment.  And all humans find themselves tested by their environments, all of us have tasks to master throughout our lives, growth that is demanded of us, practice and training and hurdles and tests. That is what shapes who we are, what brings our selves into expression. 

The reason it matters to love our kids and accept who they are is that it helps them to accept and appreciate themselves, which allows them to develop the skills they need to master their worlds.  But that isn't enough to develop self esteem. 

Self esteem comes from the pride of knowing, deep inside, that if we work hard at something, we can accomplish something worth accomplishing: that we have what it takes to bring our dreams into reality.  Self esteem is a result of real accomplishment.  

And that, of course, means tackling things that are hard.  Which means, as parents, encouraging and expecting our children to do some hard things.  Age appropriate things, step by step, with appropriate help from us, but things that tax them enough to help them to, as your grandparents would have said, build character.

Additional Resources:
Smart Love, one of my very favorite parenting books, by Martha and William Pieper

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Photos:
1- Phitar
2- Nanda Sunu
3- Rajeshburman