Your Parenting Solutions - Helping Your Toddler Learn to Put Himself to Sleep

Helping Your Toddler Learn to Put Himself to Sleep

www.flickr.comphotosfuzzyblue247907986sleepytoddler.jpg Toddlers don't seem to have an off switch. Often, when they're tired, they just reverberate faster, like an overwound toy, until they crash.

Reading your toddler's cues so you can ensure that she gets enough sleep can be a challenge. Unfortunately, toddlers need adequate sleep to rise to the developmental challenges that fill their lives, from controlling their temper on the playground to staying on top of their own bodily functions. Even the stress of saying goodbye to Mom and Dad when the babysitter comes can be handled more resourcefully by a rested toddler than a tired one. Your toddler doesn't know it, but he needs his sleep.

The bad news is that some kids seem to be born good sleepers, and some don't. The good news is that falling asleep is a matter of habit, and all kids can learn it. It may take some time to develop that habit, but your busy toddler can learn to put himself to sleep, and to stay asleep, eventually. Here's how:

1. Start the wind-down process early in the evening. Toddlers who've been racing around the apartment can't simply switch gears and decompress when you decide it's bedtime. The last few hours before bed should be calm and quiet.

2. Follow the same evening routine every night, if possible. Your goal is a sense of calm, safe, predictability. Dinner, then a bath, then stories, then kissing and tucking in all the stuffed animals who share the toddler's bed, then prayers or blessings, then lights out while you sing to your little one, is an example of a common and effective routine. Beware of too elaborate a routine, because they have a way of expanding to take more time. But don't think of bedtime as a chore that's taking too much time. Think of it as the best part of the day, when you get premium quality time with your little one.

Toddlers who are showing oppositional behavior may resist moving along with the bedtime routine. The best way to sidestep this is to have the clock, rather than you, be the bad guy. “Look, it’s 7:15! If we can get out of the tub now and brush your teeth, we’ll have time for an extra story before lights out at 7:30!” That way, you’re on his side, and he doesn’t need to rebel against you. He also begins to learn about responsibility and making smart choices. And, of course, allow plenty of time. It won't exactly settle your child down if you get impatient or angry.

3. Help your toddler set his "biological clock." Toddlers need a set time to go to bed every night. Most toddlers do better with an early bedtime; between 6:30 and 8 pm. You'd think a later bedtime would help them fall asleep more easily, but when they stay up later, they get over-tired, and adrenalin and cortisol kick in to keep them going. Then they actually have a harder time falling asleep, wake more during the night, and often wake early in the morning. So keep moving bedtime earlier until you find the time before your little wind up toy starts getting wound up.

Dim lights in the hour before bedtime, as well as slow, calm routines, help kids' bodies know that it's time to sleep. If you can take him up to his bath at 6:00, be in bed at 6:30 for stories, and turn the lights out at 7:00pm, he's more likely to fall asleep than if you put him into pjs at 7:25 and snap the lights off.

The key is to watch for those yawns that signal he's getting sleepy. If he kicks into "overdrive" mode, getting him into bed will be much harder.

4. Set up a cozy bed. Your goal is to ensure that discomfort doesn't exacerbate the normal cycles of slight waking into real waking that insures she'll come looking for you. Quiet matters -- make sure she can't hear the TV. Consider a "white noise" machine if necessary. Darkness matters -- make sure the curtains keep the streetlights out. Room-darkening shades are invaluable, especially in the summer months when your toddler will be going to sleep while it's still light out. Warmth matters -- if your toddler kicks his covers off, make sure he sleeps in warm pjs with feet. And of course, once he's out of diapers, be sure he uses the bathroom last thing.

Finally, a "big" bed for a toddler who is graduating to his or her own bed, that he or she picks out, can be an invaluable attraction. But remember that losing the crib walls may be more freedom -- and insecurity -- than he can handle. Plan the transition to the "big" bed carefully. (Click here for more on The Big Move from the Crib to the Big Kid Bed.)

5. Many toddlers need a bedtime snack to hold them through the night, especially during growth spurts. Warm milk, a slice of turkey, a piece of toast, something calming and predictable, not too interesting, and without sugar, usually works best. If they can eat it at a snack table in their room while you read a bedtime story, before brushing teeth, you can move efficiently through the bedtime routine.

6. Don't give up naps too early. Although every child has individual sleep needs, most kids are not ready to give up naps untll age 3. Going napless before that just makes them cranky and adrenalized, making bedtime much more challenging.

7. Make sure they get enough fresh air, sunshine and exercise during the day. Your grandmother was right: kids really do sleep more soundly when they get more outdoor play. Just not in the hour before bedtime, which re-energizes them!

8. Decide for or against the family bed for your family. Most toddlers fall asleep easily if you lie down with them, and many parents do so. Other parents resist this, because they too often fall asleep themselves, and lose their evenings. This is an individual call, and there is no shame in waiting till your child is a little older before expecting her to put herself to sleep -- it does get easier for kids as they get older. Many working moms, particularly, treasure this time with their kids, and love being able to go to sleep early, then get up early and rested. One downside of this habit is that if the child is not in your bed, you will need to move, which wakes you up. The other downside is that when he awakens slightly in the middle of the night, during normal sleep cycles he may miss your presence and come looking for you. If you aren't willing to let him crawl into your bed at that point, this may not be a sustainable routine for you.

9. If you aren't using the Family Bed, consciously teach your child to put herself to sleep. Your goal, of course, is to help your child sleep through the night. Kids in the family bed seem to do this automatically since they're reassured by their parents' presence, and since sleeping with the mother is certainly a natural state biologically for toddlers. If you don't want a family bed, for whatever reason, your goal needs to be for your toddler to put herself back to sleep when she does wake up at night. For most babies and toddlers, that means helping her learn to fall asleep herself, so she won't miss you when she does wake slightly at night.

10. Teach new sleep habits. If you've been helping your child fall asleep with nursing or rocking, she is likely to wake during the night looking for you, and will need to be nursed or rocked again to fall back asleep. Unless you want to rock or nurse her to sleep over and over at night, your goal now is to help her fall asleep in her own crib or bed, comfortably. That means putting her in her bed when she's awake, so that she can get used to falling asleep there herself. Breaking her established habit can be challenging -- it's hard for her to understand why you can't nurse her or rock her now. You can expect her to need your close physical proximity to settle down to sleep.

If your toddler is still nursing, just avoid letting her nurse to sleep. In fact, you may want to break the association with sleep completely by nursing her in the living room before beginning the bedtime routine.

11. Start slow. Begin (after your bedtime routine) by holding your child until he falls asleep -- not lying down, which puts you in danger of falling asleep. Use the time to meditate, if you can, or think of something delightful that you can look forward to. Once he's used to falling asleep this way, the next phase is to touch, but not hold, your child. Eventually, he will be able to fall asleep with you simply holding his hand, or putting your hand on his forehead. (It often helps to give kids a large stuffed animal or pillow to hold at this point, to substitute for your holding them. Kids often love to curl around a large, cuddly animal.)

When he can fall asleep being touched but not held, begin to sit next to your child while he falls asleep, without actually touching him. In the beginning, you will probably need to sit close enough to him that he can touch you briefly if he wants to reach out.

Finally, begin sitting further and further away, until you are outside the bedroom door. Another variation on this process is to move quietly around the room, straightening up or folding laundry, while your toddler falls asleep. This provides a sense of security, without him depending on your physical proximity. Then you can leave the room for longer and longer periods, beginning by sitting right outside his door with a good book.

You will probably find that some days he backslides and needs you to touch him again. That's ok, it won't sabotage your overall momentum, as long as the next day you're back to your program.

12. Night Wakings usually diminish as kids learn to put themselves to sleep, because when they wake slightly at night they aren't looking around for mom. While your child is still needing you to fall asleep, however, she will probably keep waking up at night. For that interim period, many parents find it easier to just let their toddler climb in bed with them, particularly because she hasn't yet learned to fall asleep without being held and thus could wake repeatedly at night. Once she is falling asleep without your touching her, however, you will find that she is usually able to put herself back to sleep at night without even waking you. If she does wake and need you in the night, you can minimize her repeating that behavior by returning her to her own bed, and repeating your bedtime practice of sitting near her (some parents lie down on the rug with a blanket) while she falls asleep.

Special note for moms who are nursing toddlers: If you're trying to break the night nursing habit -- which I recommend, mostly to avoid cavities, and because your toddler doesn't need to nurse at night, while you both do need your sleep -- it helps a lot to send Dad in when your little one wakes at night. If you make this an inviolate practice, and even tell your child during the day that only Daddy can come in at night because Mommy is sleeping, she will gradually -- probably not without protest -- accept that as the way of the world. As long as Dad is there to comfort her, protesting mom's absence won't traumatize her.

13. Praise your child and tell him how proud you are when he makes progress in learning to sleep by himself. He needs some motivation to do what is, after all, a hard thing for most toddlers. Any other motivation you can give him will also be valuable; some kids respond to little prizes in the morning, and if he shows any interest in eventually having sleepovers, for instance, you can praise his progress toward them. And remember to provide plenty of physical closeness and snuggles during the day, to make up for his independence at night.

This gradual program provides a sense of security while at the same time teaching your toddler to feel comfortable falling asleep without your physical proximity. Eventually, you’ll find that your toddler is asleep almost as soon as his head settles on the pillow – and you’ll be amazed to find you actually have an evening!

For more ideas, check out:

The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers by Elizabeth Pantley